Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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