at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just want to make out with him forever
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
