So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
