You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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