I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
