I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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