did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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