If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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