The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
