fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
