STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
