remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
