and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
