it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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