I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
