my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
