I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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