First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
