I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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