I faked an abortion last night.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
