and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
