if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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