I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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