Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
