i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
