Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
