Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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