you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
You can't motorboat a personality
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Boobs are out for the taking
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
