his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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