We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
