I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
