Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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