i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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