Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
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I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
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this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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