I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
