i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
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She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
There are leaves in my underwear?
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