i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
