If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
