Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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