my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
