New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
