I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
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