blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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