WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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