I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
