i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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