I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.