I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
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