You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
