Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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