1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
