I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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