Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
