Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
