i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
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This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
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