i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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