after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
we're so committed to being not committed
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
