I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
