we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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