Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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