I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Randomize
