My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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