I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
